The Unknown

This post has been a long time coming. I actually have 2 unfinished drafts from when I attempted to write down my thoughts into something that was somewhat coherent. And yet here I am again– still unsure of my words, but I feel like I just need to get it down on paper…. or in this case, on my blog. It’s going to be honest, raw, and it may not even make sense. But, sometimes your journey doesn’t make sense, and sometimes it’s in these times where people need to hear it the most– you’re not alone in your times of the UNKOWN. We all go through these stages in one form or another. Here is my version:

Today is Day 16 in #MelissasYearOfSelah, and it’s been full! I completed my 8-week summer camp duties (more like a 6 month duty if you include all of the planning and prep time) at the beginning of August and it seems like life hasn’t slowed down since.

Before my trip to Salt Lake City last week, I had a pretty good rhythm down! Daily devotions, meal prep, organization, working out on a consistent basis, decluttering the house, spending time on the business & growing– you name it, I was finally starting to feel some structure back in my life where I didn’t have to worry about 60+ other people at camp. It was strange, but I enjoyed it. My new normal. I had my routine and I was going to stick to it.

Silly Melissa, perfect routines are for no one. I arrived home yesterday (Sunday early morning- 3AM to be exact) after a wonderful week in Salt Lake City with my team where we grew, learned, and expanded our minds to what God has in store for us. It was awesome! Spending time with people from all around the world and learning from so many different individuals, including my own team, what could be better!? However, in the midst of the awesome- I also went on a journey of emotions.

One night in the middle of the trip, a wave of emotions came crashing over me and almost drowned me in self-pity with thoughts of: My routine is so thrown off. I haven’t done my devotion in days, I haven’t been eating well, sheesh-I’m spending too much money, I feel like I could be doing so much more, ugh- this is annoying… blah blah blah.

The worst of it came when I had thoughts of, “No one here understands what I’m going through or what I’m up against. Yes, I want to put my 100% into what I am doing, but no one here knows what I went through and what I am still currently going through. None of these people here had to watch paramedics work on their father’s limp body in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. No one here had to be the only one in the family to be with their father in his last moments of life. No knows how much I wish I could just make it all go away and have my dad back with me. No one knows how much I struggle to stay strong. No one knows that this year is going to be one of the hardest of my life. NO ONE KNOWS.”

….

As I am writing this out and actually releasing my feelings from that moment and in my current state…. I am reminded of the phrase that I uttered to my mom more times than I can count the moment after we found out my dad didn’t make it: “GOD knows.” GOD knows. Somehow in that moment of absolute hell– God shut off my tears and gave me breath to remind my mom and everyone in the room that “God knows. God knows why.” That’s it. I don’t need anything or anyone else to understand what I’m going through, because GOD already knows and is in the middle of comforting me and building me up for something bigger. I never had to do this alone or on my own strength, because God is working in the shadows. HE knows.

I also find it amazing how God knows exactly what you need, and knows exactly when to present it to you. Sometimes you just need to ask and seek. This has happened to me several times, and not by coincidence, but by His plan. In moments where I miss my dad or a special holiday comes up, God knows and He provides. For example, on Father’s Day morning this June I had a dream about my dad. It lasted about 30 seconds and it was simply my dad giving me a hug; a warm embrace. That’s it. A hug. Friends, you don’t know how powerful that 30 seconds was and how much it warmed my heart to have a hug from my daddy on Father’s Day. There was nothing else like it.

Well, it’s no surprise that God knew what I was going through last week in Salt Lake because he provided me with something beautiful. It may sound strange, but I went on a tour in SLC and there was a man in our group. He was asian and the same shape, build, and age as my dad. He dressed like my dad and he even looked slightly like him. I had a hard time trying not to stare at him, but in the times where I glanced at him, he also occasionally glanced back at me with a sweet smile.

“Should I ask him for a hug and explain why afterwards? Is that weird? Nah, I’m going to lose it if I even talk to him.” These thoughts crossed my mind and I had a moment where I could have just bursted into tears, but God held me close. After a little while, I couldn’t find him in our group of about 20 people. Hmm.. Strange. God knows, friends. He knows. Some may see this as a coincidence, but I am just thankful. Thankful for the reminders that God’s got my daddy safe and sound and that He and my dad are looking out for me. ❤

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All of those things aside, I am in an extreme time of transition in my life. For a lot people, it was the first day of school for students (& obviously, teachers). It was the strangest feeling waking up at 8AM and realizing that I didn’t have to be at school, but most everyone else I knew (or saw on Facebook) were going back to school. Yet here I am sitting in my jammies and scrolling through Facebook. Say whaaaaat?! SO bizarre.

Long story short (although this has already been quite long- and I apologize…), I’ve been struggling tonight. I have so many goals and things I want to accomplish- so many things that sometimes I feel overwhelmed or inadequate. In fact, as I type this at 11PM on a Monday night- I didn’t do 2 big things on my to-do list and I feel blah about it. I had a great and productive day, but if I’m honest- I feel like I don’t quite fully know what I’m doing yet. I even ended the night with a goodnight FaceTime session with my boyfriend and yet I ended in tears not wanting to talk about anything. To be honest, I felt like I let him down. I felt like I was inadequate to be the person by his side on this journey. I felt like he deserved better because even after almost 2 years of readjustment, I’m STILL trying to get it together. ….. In this moment, God puts the word GRACE right in front of my face. Melissa, give yourself some grace. His grace is enough for me.

Friends, I’m on a journey. A journey of the unknown. The unknown of where God is going to take me this year spiritually, financially, physically, mentally. I don’t quite know what’s going to happen this year in terms of making money, finding a counselor, and just the day-to-day routine to try and tackle everything I want to accomplish. But I want and need to put my trust in the One who does know.

I’m going to take it one day at a time. One day. Life happens in each small decision. He’s got me. I’m going to do my best with what I’ve got and in the time I have. Jesus’ grace, strength, and wisdom is overflowing to us each and every day– we just need to take the time to notice, seek, and embrace it.

 

Thank you for coming alongside me on this journey, my faithful blog readers. I appreciate you more than you know. 🙂
Here’s to the unknown, but fully known by my Savior…. 🙏🏼

xo

❤ Melissa Joy

 

“However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows.” ~Matthew 24:36

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
 Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.”

~Psalm 3:5-6