Hey there, my happy blog readers 🙂
Today is Day 68 of #MelissasYearofSelah and it’s been days filled with literal and figurative rest, reading, consistent quiet times, the beginning of reading the Bible cover to cover, substituting, tutoring, traveling, nailing down a workout routine, spending time with my family & boyfriend, building for my future, meeting with new & old friends, picking up a new skill/hobby, and so much more. It’s been such a blessing to have this time to find rest and get some things in line that I haven’t had time for in the past 2 years. I continue to learn each and every day, and I am still trying to find some consistency, but I’m working on it 😉
Not only is today day 68 of my year of Selah, but it is also the 2 year anniversary of my daddy’s promotion to heaven…
I would like tell you that I’ve been able to find time to really face my grief in this time off, but unfortunately that is not the case [yet]. To be honest, I have become very good at pushing my feelings and emotions of grief aside & under the rug. I know this because every time I meet with someone for lunch or coffee and they ask me why I decided to take a year off, I tell them that I wasn’t able to really take time for myself to heal while teaching full time and how I knew this was true because when my grandpa passed away this past February, I did NOT want to feel anything. I didn’t and I couldn’t. I took 1 day off for my grandpa’s funeral and then I went straight back to work. Nope- I wasn’t going to deal with my feelings. If I couldn’t even process or think about my dad’s death, how was I supposed to with my grandpa’s? It’s just too much, too soon. Two strong, solid, and wise men in my life were gone within about a year and a half. That was and is too much for me to handle sometimes.
As silly as it sounds, the show Dancing with the Stars ALWAYS makes me tear up. Yes, DWTS makes me cry…. it’s ridiculous… I personally find it beautiful that these celebrities are doing something that is so outside of their comfort zones, they feel accomplished and open up about their strengths and weaknesses. It’s cool to see them blossom in a new way! As cheesy as it sounds, this past week they had their “most memorable year” themed episode and this is usually a tear-jerker! One contestant lost her dad this year and she performed a beautiful waltz dedicated to her dad. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house after she danced, and yet, ME, the one who always cries during this show, didn’t even flinch. I don’t want to feel it, the loss. I still don’t want to acknowledge the fact that I, too, had lost my dad. I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. As far as I knew, she was dealing with the loss on her own– I wasn’t going to resonate with her.
I am naturally and genuinely a happy and positive person, and I love to bring joy to others’ lives. As I have mentioned in prior posts, I love helping people see their full potential and just love to love them! I love spending time with others and the people who are closest to me. Last night is another example of how much I don’t like or know how to deal with my grief… Jordan came over for a couple of hours to hang out and watch a movie and the moment he was about to leave, I was struck with the reality that when he left I would be left alone with my feelings and the realization that my dad’s 2 year promotion to heaven was approaching in just a few short hours. The moment I said goodbye and pulled away from his hug, he saw my face and asked if I was ok. Instead of forcing on my game-face and mustering up the strength to say “yes,” I shook my head and began to cry.
No, please. I don’t want to face this day. I don’t want this day to come- my mind kept telling myself over and over. To be honest, that isn’t the first time I’ve thought this. This thought has entered my mind each day before a holiday, Father’s Day, his birthday, or any special occasions. I do not like going through these days without my dad here.
I don’t like or want this reality.
And yet, another anniversary passes, another holiday passes, another birthday passes, and another day passes. This is my reality. And although this is not the reality I want, a reality without my earthly father, I am living an abundantly blessed life. This life I’m living is amazingly beautiful, and I wouldn’t change my experiences for anything. Do I wish my experiences were a little different? Sure. But am I thankful for the person I am becoming because of these experiences? Oh, most definitely. I have my dad to thank for a lot of who I am today…
Recently, a friend told me that she looked at her father’s passing as a way for the seeds he had planted in her family to finally grow. What a precious way to see the beauty in the, what feels like, deep darkness of death. I thank God for the legacy (seeds) that my dad passed on to my mom, siblings, and myself. Please know that in no way am I making light of death and the pain and grief that comes along with it, but I am determined to find purpose behind it. I need to see God throughout this, otherwise I am going to fall apart completely.
It hurts me to see my mom in so much pain, and I can’t even fathom what she is going through in losing her partner. However, I have also loved seeing how strong she has become and I am so proud of the way she has stepped up in our family and for all of the hard work she has done for herself and for us. It hurts me to see my siblings struggle in their individual ways, mostly not knowing how they are grieving, but I am also proud of each of them for stepping up in roles they didn’t have before. When my dad passed, we four kids had to split up many responsibilities, and we have had each other’s backs through it all. God has shown us immeasurable strength, favor, grace, and peace.
I admit, I am still internally struggling a lot, but I know that I will get better. I always hear that no one can tell a grieving person how long they should grieve, and yet I seem to put myself in this bubble. I don’t want to burden my family or friends with my grief– I mean, I am known as “the strong” and “dependable” one in the family, right? I need to be strong for my family. I feel as if people think that I’m “all better,” and in a lot of ways, I am! But with any loss, it hits you in different waves. Two years ago, I could tell you exactly who I was. I knew my temperaments, morals, beliefs, triggers, likes/dislikes, etc., but after my dad’s death, I felt like I was going to have to figure out who I was again with a loss(es). I knew who Melissa Joy was, but I didn’t know who Melissa Joy was with grief attached to my story.
So, here I am, admitting that I am not fully aware of who I am with these, what still seems new, losses. But I can tell you that I am trying and God is doing a work in me (and my family) that is beautiful. I told the seed analogy (mentioned above) to a friend and she asked me what I thought were the ‘seeds’ my dad had planted in me. I honestly had to think for a moment– I knew that the importance of family was a big one for me. I am so, so thankful for our close-knit family and extended family. We all always have each other’s backs. I’m also so thankful for my boyfriend’s family and their close-knit relationships and for the tangible love I feel in their home. I am so thankful for the time I have been able to invest in my family and friends in this time of Selah. I am blessed. As for the other seeds… I’m not quite sure. I think they need some more watering and only time with my Creator will tell 🙂
Just know that you, my sweet blog reader, are also a part of this family. Thank you for taking the time to read my words and the words of my family- you’re a part of our journey now! Thank you for your kind responses, thoughts, words, and prayers– you have no idea how much they are felt and appreciated. It’s days like today that are supposed to suck and feel completely awful, but today I feel strong. It is because of YOU and your prayers. I feel them today. 🙂 Thank you, also, to those who, still to this day, come up to us and tell us how my dad has impacted your life. Not only is my dad’s legacy shining through each of his family members, but his legacy is being lived out in you as well. He cared for people and his family so much, and I hope to do the same.
So, here’s to my daddy. A man of God that I miss dearly each and every day, and the man I wish I could give one more big bear hug to. I love you, Daddy. Happy 2 years in Heaven ❤ We love and miss you always. Thank you. ❤
xo
❤ Melissa Joy
P.S. As I read over this blog, the word GRACE overwhelms my heart. God is telling me to have grace with myself and my shortcomings. To have grace on myself in the times of struggle. To have grace on myself and do not try to carry the load alone. To have grace on myself and allow myself to feel the pain. Melissa Joy, when you shut your heart down to feeling pain, you also shut down your heart from feeling love and joy. Release your cares, pain, worries, and anxiety to God. He’s got you and will never leave you. Grace, my sweet child. Amen.
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“ We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.”
“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”
~2 Corinthians 4:7-12; 16-18
Photo cred: Matthew Yang
Thoughts with Melissa Joy... 