Happy 2018, my Happy Blog Readers!
I was originally going to post a “2017 in Review” blog post about 2 weeks ago, but it honestly just sat on my laptop and I, for some reason, didn’t feel like it was something I needed to post. It just didn’t feel natural to me or like it needed to be shared. I want the content I post on here to be raw. Real. Unplanned. And it honestly has been.
So, here I am once again. An unplanned post about something that has been on my heart.
I have admittedly been reading/listening to more than 1 book at a time. Normally, this is something I would NEVER do and avoided in the past! But here I am, reading 2 books and listening to 1 simultaneously.
Yesterday, while I was listening to the book “The Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas (a book I would highly recommend for any single, dating, engaged or married couple), a few thoughts popped into my head– thoughts that I have never really considered before.
Gary talked about finding a spouse that will be a great father or mother to your kids. Also to take into consideration the parents of your future spouse– will they be good grandparents to your children? I began thinking about this & I am so thankful to have a man that fits all of those categories, including his parents. Then it dawned on me… how does Jordan feel about not having a father-in-law? How does he feel about not having another grandpa for his future kids?
Have I imagined and grieved over the thought of my dad not being around for my future kids? Of course. Does it still send a twinge of pain through my heart when I think about it? Yes. But, I am also so thankful for the amazing men my children will have to look up to & love on. I am thankful for my brothers, Jordan & his brothers & his amazing father. I’m thankful for all my uncles & close guy friends… I’m thankful for all the strong men in my life that can help influence & love on my future kiddos. However, there is truly no one that can replace my daddy.
I don’t say all of this to gain pity or to make you feel sad. I say this because I am still processing it all. Over 2 years later, I’m still processing, and I don’t think I ever will cease to process. But I’m ok with that.
I brought these thoughts up to Jordan last night, and he surprisingly told me that he was randomly thinking about that fact as well (what are the odds?). He said that he’s never really thought about not having another father-in-law or grandpa for his kids (which is totally understandable), but what he thought about was the fact that he didn’t really know my dad. He met my dad, but only really knew about him through stories.
But what he said next struck a cord in me. Without hurting my feelings, he said honestly, “I only know Melissa as someone without her dad.”
Ouch.
Again, in no way was this thought meant to be hurtful, it was just the honest truth. When God crossed our paths 7 months before my dad’s passing, he only knew me on a friendship level, which didn’t include many hangouts with each others’ families yet. As over 2 years have passed, he’s only really known me without my dad. He explained that it was interesting to think of all of our interactions, all that we have experienced together, and how that could have been different or experienced differently if my dad was still around.
Why did that reality hurt so much?
Jordan’s words didn’t hurt me, the reality was just really, really heavy. But why?
Maybe because my dad played a huge role in my life? Maybe because I wish he would have gotten to know my dad on a deeper level? Maybe because I know my dad & Jordan would have had an amazing relationship? Or maybe because I feel like without my dad, am only half a person.
To know me without knowing who my dad is, is really sad to me. Plain, simple, and honest.
However.
I know that my dad is still alive in me. He’s also in my brothers and sister. He’s in my mom, my aunts, my uncles, and in all of the people who knew him. He still lives in each of us. No, Jordan didn’t get to really know my dad on a personal level, but I have no doubt that my dad’s character, legacy, & love lives on in each of us. So in a way, he does know my dad. 🙂
I also know that God is filling the hole that was left in my heart over 2 years ago. I still have moments where I am hit with the reminder that my dad isn’t here. I have moments where I ask myself, “did this happen before dad passed or after?” just to see if he was around to experience something with me.
I admit, it sucks. It sucks big time. It sucks that he’s not here– let’s be honest! But I have NO doubt in my mind that I have become stronger because of God’s truth, comfort, peace, & love. I’m not walking around as half a person. I’m whole because of Jesus Christ.
All of this to say, no matter the “Melissa you know,” I want to declare that I am WHOLE. Is my family perfect? No. Do I mess up all of the time? YES. But I am not a broken person because of my loss. Did it crack me? Yes, and I am still in the process of letting God mend me. I have no doubt that there will be new cracks as life goes on and memories are made without him, big or small, but I also have no doubt that I will have a Heavenly Father by my side to help me fill them in.
Thank you for sticking by my side, friends & thank you for reading my random but real & raw thoughts.
xo,
❤ Melissa Joy
“He heals the broken-hearted, and bandages their wounds.” ~Psalm 147:3
Thoughts with Melissa Joy... 